PRAISE WHERE IT'S DUE

I have to say this.

I watched 'Mastermind' last night (yes, good old middle-class TV). One of the contestants - the winner, in fact - was answering questions on W.C. Fields.

It turned out that this guy had had his own minor brush with Hollywood. Once upon a time, he had been brought in to improve the dialogue for a film.

This wasn't just any old movie. This was a schlock exploitation movie, one of those with a title like 'Lesbian Bikers Meet the Cannibal Zombies from Mars'. Something like that.

As if that wasn't promising enough, it was revealed that our guy got kicked off the movie for trying to make one of the zombies a 'forlorn vegetarian'.

Sir - I salute you. Not only do you know quite a lot about W.C. Fields but you managed to have a whole screenwriting career in miniature.

You were brought in to help polish up a turd, which is what screenwriters spend much of their lives doing.

You were sacked because you brought to this eminently trashy production some genuine wit and originality.

Like all good screenwriters, you rose and fell according to the whims of some idiot calling himself a producer.

And you managed to do it in about five minutes flat.

Must be some sort of record.